Comparing yourself with others
This is an edited transcript of Episode 007 of Design, In Confidence, mindfulness & design podcast with Stefano Bellucci Sessa’s learnings on creative confidence, emotional intelligence, and mental health.
This blog is NOT about “How to stop comparing yourself with others”
I tried. I didn’t manage to do it.
I accept that I’ll always do it.
But I want to share how I’ve learnt how to control it.
It has helped me not only to avoid anxiety, stress, and low self-esteem, but also to mindfully use comparison (when needed) to my advantage.
If you want to stop comparing yourself with others: keep Googling, or check these blogs and podcasts here.
If you wanna mindfully design how to compare yourself with others, keep reading.
The design process of comparison
I could approach comparisons from many aspects (e.g. regret, perfectionism, competition, envy) but I’m going to focus on its “design process”.
Everything is designed.
Everybody compares themselves with others.
Not everyone mindfully designs how to compare themselves with others.
We do it on autopilot, not mindfully.
When I mindfully pay attention to how I do it, I feel like Patrick Bateman from “American Psycho” (note: without the killing).
I look up people’s profiles like he does with business cards, and I can hear a voice in my head:
“Oh, look at that.”
“They’ve worked there.”
“They have done this project here.”
“Oh my God. They even have trademark. ”
Note: If you do feel like kill someone after reading this blog, talk to someone. Not me. I’m just a designer, not a psychologist*.
(*healthy example of comparison)
So let’s look at how designers compare themselves with other designers.
The wrong design questions
As a designer, even more than other people, I look for problems to solve (in myself) and inspiration (in others).
If you are like me, you might look for problems with this questions:
Why am I not enough?
And then find inspiration in others with the question:
Who looks better than me?
In terms of the design process, that’s kind of okay…but:
- “Looks” – You don’t see everything about other people.
Be realistic about it, so they can be mindful about it. - What’s missing here are the 4 questions for a better comparison process
Let’s look at them.
#1. What does “better” mean to you?
Without this question, you will become “better” in ways you don’t want to become.
I struggled a lot in my life by comparing myself with:
- Designers winning awards
- Friends working for Google or Microsoft
- Designers with case studies with the latest tech for early adopters
(e.g. blockchain, VR, or artificial intelligence)
Then, I realised that…. I don’t care.
Don’t get me wrong – I do admire them for their these as strengths and accomplishments.
Admiring comparison leads us to look at people for how they do things “better” than us, and learn. Judgemental comparison makes you feel they are “better” than you as a whole.
What helps me understand what ‘better’ means to me, is the second question.
#2. How are you better than your past version of yourself?
Everyone is on a different journey. And you don’t know most of what people go through.
The only person you can truly compare yourself with, is yourself.
Before comparing yourself with others, compare yourself with your previous selves. This also creates 3 benefits:
- You get a real sense of accomplishment.
On your progress, not others. - You become aware of what helped you learn and grow.
- By remembering how you used to struggle, you can recognise those who are struggling in similar ways.
(Note: edited the blog trascript becuase I’m better than when I recoreded the podcast. Yeah!)
And after this, you can start to mindfully compare yourself to others.
So, that:
- you can know what might help others because it previously helped you
- you can start to mindfully compare yourself to others.
#3. Who can you learn (a specific thing) from?
This powerful and reframing question brings 3 main benefits:
- From comparing with anyone to with those you want to learn from.
(e.g If you want to design apps instead of commercials, you don’t compare yourself with winners of advertising awards) - From seeing people as better than you as a whole to better at something.
(e.g someone better at interaction design, might not be as good as you in teamwork or research, or just you as… a person!) - From focusing on the best in your field to anyone great at something.
I really like the third one.
For example, you might want to improve in “empathy”, “asking questions”, “organizing information”, or “thinking outside the box”.
Instead of being inspired by designers that are “only” good at those things, you might find inspiration those that are great at them – for example a doctor, a friend, a family member, the barista in your neighbourhood, or a fictional character.
Be inspired by those who you don’t want to become — they might be great at something you would like to be better at.
Of course, I learn from designers too.
But I focus on the specific thing I want to learn from them.
I admire them, without putting them on a pedestal.
This opens me up to collaboration so that I:
- Know who to ask for help from
- Know who might need help with something I am good at
And I can do the latter, thanks to the fourth question.
Compare like a designer, not like a psycho
To summarise:
- Understand when you admire someone
- Understand whether you should compare yourself with them, and why
- Don’t judge or get frustrated – identify what to learn or teach others
- Collaborate, instead of competing
- (Don’t kill them*)
(*which I remind you, it’s the main takeaway from this blog)
And if you see others struggling in ways that you haven’t, take a moment and acknowledge it. Be grateful — probably you had a privilege they didn’t have.
And then try to help them.
In confidence,
I’m making this podcast (and blogs) thinking that many would be better than me at it.
I look up to them. Learn. But in the meantime, I share what I already can give. Hoping it will be useful to some.
And let me know if it does.
Leave a comment and share.
Let me know if and how this helps you build your confidence.
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Tell people why you found this valuable, and that you are a safe space to find support in building their creative confidence.
If you got this far, I’m sure you’re a great listener — which I thank you for.
And now, it’s time to listen to your thoughts.
And remember to thank yourself, for the time you spent to learn, and grow.
